Self
Self-Image, Self-Love, and Self-Discovery

Last modified on: 08/08/06

---

Who Do You Think You Are?

I have spent a lot of time... years... considering myself to have certain characteristics, to behave in certain consistent ways, and to want certain things. I forget how much a person changes and how we can surprise ourselves. I'm starting to notice those little moments in which I become more than I think I am, and instead of dismissing them, I'm taking them as evidence. Exhibit A: I CAN work hard. Exhibit B: I CAN perform under pressure. Exhibit C: I CAN cope with stress. My self-image has been lingering in my "dark ages." The upgrade has freed me from so many constraints I unnecessarily placed on myself that I wonder, how much more will I discover?

Quit Hittin Yourself

It used to be a funny thing, at least when I was young, to grab someone's arm and repeatedly bonk them with it, all the while saying, "Quit hittin yourself! Quit hittin yourself!" This was funny because no one, of course, would ever actually hit themself. But, I think we do hit ourselves sometimes, with overly harsh criticism and unrealistic demands. When I put this stuff in context with that old joke, it suddenly seemed very silly.

Transforming Mistakes

In art classes and art books, they always teach that a mistake on your paper or canvas can become a part of your creation. I was once painting a scene of tulips against a lake and a light blue sky. I don't remember how it happened. I must have been waving my paint brush around when the tip, covered with thick, black paint, nicked the sky. I tried to wipe it off, but I just created a very conspicuous gray smear. My clouds were ruined. The whole painting was ruined, but I remembered what I read in a big book on oil painting, to make it into something. I painted a butterfly. When I make mistakes, I try to remember this lesson.

Healing Power of Self-Pity

Selp-pity is sometimes a way of grieving. I think it is important to acknowledge the things that hurt and weaken us, to recognize the unfortunate circumstances we endure. Sometimes (when only for a brief period of time), self-pity helps me to mourn over my experiences and how they affected me. It helps me to feel more compassion and understanding for myself.

Embarrassment Attack

Sometimes I find myself unable to stop thinking about something I did or some way that I acted. I lie awake in bed at night and mull over stupid silly things until it makes me sick, something I call an "embarrassment attack." I came up with two ways of dealing with it.

First, I mentally separate myself off from the part of me that feels pain over some past event. I pretend to be another person, and I talk to that part of me crippled by worry and regret. I say things like, "You were just trying to be friendly," or "You did the best you could at the time." I discover how compassionate and reasonable I expect other people to be. And if others are not compassionate and reasonable, that's their problem.

Another method I use is to simply and resolutely stop thinking about it. It sounds so simple it sounds stupid, but what most people don't realize is that with a truly concentrated effort in redirection of attention, you really can stop thinking about something. The trick is to think about something else, to concentrate on something like your breathing, and pull yourself back to that object every time your mind wanders. Don't even worry about it wandering, just resolve to pull yourself back each time. Eventually, your mind gets the idea and lets go.

A Lesson From Guilt

I learned in high school how easy it is to find yourself betraying your own ethics. At the time, I was being harassed by a number of girls, one of whom actually started a fist fight with me. A friend prodded me and got me to harass a girl I used to be friends with. When I think back on my behavior, I'm appalled and flooded with guilt. I can't understand how those mean words ever came out of my mouth. It wasn't me. I've carried those events on my back for a long time, but I finally set aside my guilt long enough to learn something from them. They taught me to be aware and awake. I may have strong ethics, but if I'm not paying attention, I can be pushed into contradiction without even realizing it. Getting a lesson out of my guilt really helped to relieve its burden.

Self-Interpretation and Inner Peace

Self-discovery is a relieving experience. Recently, I discovered something basic about myself. First, I know that I am often somewhat oblivious to the things and people around me. For instance, a friend spotted me on the road and honked several times, but I never noticed. I have a very large personal space, and I dislike loud noises and surprises (except the pleasant kind). Then I realized how vulnerable I feel, how intruded upon, when my oblivion is shattered. I have a capacity put in use by habit and nature to block out disturbances, to shut my eyes and ears. Behind these barriers, I find peace, a lovely silence, safety, and stillness. I not only withdraw, I cut off the outside world to find serenity and tranquility within. Perhaps this is unhealthy, but I wonder if sometimes it is the most healthy thing I can do.

After seeing this in myself, I glanced again at the painting on my wall, a painting of a woman's face which typifies a theme in my artwork. Her head is tilted away, and her eyes are closed. She smiles slightly at a pleasant mood only she can see, because she finds safety in her inner world. She is me. Seeing a part of myself in something I created was an expanding experience. I also had this experience when I thought twice about the storyline of a book I wrote when I was eight. I had never ever considered the meaning of the plot I constructed (a pretty simple one). When I realized how it reflected my ambitions and values, I was elated. Art really is "a way of knowing," and I encourage anyone who reads this to examine anything you have ever created. Wonder how it reflects something inside you, and you might discover something.

Taking Care

My car has not been running well. The engine burns oil, and once it gives out, the car will be useless. Knowing this, I have not taken good care of my car. I rarely clean it out or wash it. The floor matts are all scuffed up. And the seats are torn. One day I scratched the paint, and I felt satisfied. That's when I realized I actually hated and resented my junk heap. My neglect was actually a manifestation of my hatred, almost like a punishment. This attitude, as it became more clear to me, reminded me of my feelings toward my body. In the past, I had many health problems, including ulcers and asthma. I realized that because my body brought me so much pain, both physical and emotional, I had started to hate it. As a result, I stopped taking care of it. My efforts to take vitamins and exercise regularly were inevitably sabotaged by this resentment and carelessness. Then one day I had the opportunity to change this attitude. I was feeling pain in my stomach. At first I wanted to shut it up with medicine, but instead I thought about my stomach and said to myself, "I love you, stomach." It made me laugh, because the relief felt so good. After a few minutes of that warm attitude, I did not even need any medicine!

Feelings, A Source of Self-Judgement

Recently I had to stand up in front of a group of many people and conduct a formal ceremony. I harbored a little dread about speaking. I had prepared exactly what to say, but what if someone asked me a question? But, I did pretty well. In fact, I realized that I have always done okay in such situations, and I began to wonder why I ever thought of myself as a bad speaker. It was the dread, just the dread, that fueled this negative aspect of my self image. Knowing this made it possible for me to finally see this part of myself differently.

Don't Clip Your Own Wings

For a long time, I have been trying to determine what I am good at. Am I really a good artist? Am I really a good writer? Can I sing? Sometimes, in the car, I can follow a tune. Other times, my voice is annoying even to me. Here I am doing an inventory of my strengths and weaknesses. What for? To know my limits, to know what I should go for and what I should abandon. What a horrible way to construct a self-image! By attempting to judge traits that are flexible and subjective, I essentially clip my own wings. Now, I will not worry about my limits... they will make themselves known when they are truly there.

Selling Short

I learned that no matter how I try to picture myself, I cannot feel worthwhile if I sell myself short or settle for less than I deserve. Actions speak louder than words, even to myself. This is not always so obvious. When it comes to self-esteem, how I treat myself is just as important as how others treat me.

A Sense of Belonging

The greatest sense of belonging I have ever experienced came from my own life, not the lives or experiences of anyone else or any other group of people or organization or place or club. I found that if I sought a sense of belonging anywhere else than in myself, I always felt like an outsider. I was isolated, lost, and lacking in identity. By turning my attention to my own path, I finally found my place.

Beauty

Those who fail to see beyond an unattractive body are the same who fail to see beyond a beautiful one.

Label Shifting

The following list was published in Handbook of Cognitive Therapy Techniques, by Rian McMullin.

A person who...	Could be called...	Or could be called...
changes one's mind a lot	wishy-washy	flexible
expresses one's opinion	egotistical	honest, assertive
is emotionally sensitive	sick, fragile	alive, caring, open
is selective in choosing a mate	afraid to commit	patient, careful, discriminating
gets depressed sometimes	neurotic	normal human being
isn't good at a game	stupid, inferior	hasn't practiced
isn't orderly	sloppy, piggish	spontaneous, carefree
pleases others	social phobic	likable
believes what others say	gullible	trusting
loves another strongly	dependent	loving
gets anxious	weak, cowardly	learned to, was taught
is nontraditional	malcontent, heretical, immoral	independent, uninhibited, free
is helped by another	manipulated	cared for
is not working hard on a task	lazy	relaxed
is sure of something	conceited	self-confident
stands up for personal rights	argumentative	gutsy
thinks before making decisions	indecisive	careful
takes risks	harebrained	brave
sticks to projects	compulsive	determined
gets excited	hysterical	exuberant

Balance

A few years ago, I noticed that my self-esteem varied wildly depending on what aspect of myself I was thinking about at the time. Thinking about my accomplishments made me feel really good and strong. But, thinking about shortcomings, especially things that other people look down on, made me feel dejected. In order to get rid of this, I worked on integrating these disparate views of myself by flipping back and forth more instead of focusing exclusively on one at a time. When I felt high, I reminded myself that I would always have flaws. When I felt low, I forced myself to recall great things. This balance gave my self-esteem more stability.

Why Feel Embarrassed

When I feel embarrassed over something, I think about how others must be feeling, because they usually do not feel half as bad. They usually forget about what happened way before I do, and it holds no importance to them. So I tell myself, if they do not care about what happened, why should I?

Copyright © 1998 by Lisa Lindeman. All rights reserved. No part of this website may be reproduced without the permission of the author or appropriate citation.