Relationships

Last modified on: 08/08/06

Talking About "Invalid" Feelings

He asks, "Are you mad at me?" and I say, "No." But I am. The problem is, I have no right to be angry. He didn't do anything wrong, and so I don't want to punish him. I don't talk about what's bothering me, because it shouldn't be bothering me. Talking about it, I know the implication is that I'm arguing in support of my feelings and trying to validate my position.

That's the mistake. It doesn't matter if he didn't do anything wrong. If I am mad at him, he deserves to know. Really, he already knows I'm angry; he deserves to know why. I can tell when he is mad at me, and he says the same thing ("No, I'm not mad at you."). It's the most frustrating thing. I want the chance to talk about it and work through it, so denying his feelings doesn't do me any good. It doesn't do us any good.

I suppose I should feel valid in having whatever feelings I have and communicate them, and if he wants to defend himself, I can give him the pleasure of agreeing with him.

How Successful Couples Bicker

Today I read an article in the Readers Digest ("Meet the Bickersons" by Mary Roach, July 2000) about the way in which couples argue. The author related her experiences as a defensive person trying to learn communication skills. She tried following the advice of a counselor... to listen actively, paraphrase, validate, and avoid using "you" statements. She found these practices unnatural and ineffective. She then came across a university study of 130 couples that showed that the ones who stayed together were not the ones who used these techniques. In fact, the successful couples "fought like normal people."

This study and the article made a lot of sense to me. The techniques espoused by many popular psychologists seem in my own experience to put too much focus on minor things. For instance, there's no reason to spend an hour having a delicate discussion about how it feels when your partner leaves dirty dishes on the coffee table. Instead, it's better for everyone to just get irritated, say it drives you nuts, and move on.

I only have one thing to add to the part about "normal people." Normal people don't hit each other, scream, or call each other names (at least not serious names). Just leaving those things out, I'm sure, makes a big difference between a relationship full of love and one full of "bickering."

Receiving Love

I think it's not just important to be able to love another person. It's also important to be able to receive the love they have for you. Receiving a gift is in itself a gift.

Losing a Rock

Separation is most difficult when the person leaving your life was a source of stability, a fixture or handhold. Their absence creates a shock wave of emotional pain, because they take with them everything you have relied on and stood on for the duration of your relationship. If a separation leaves you devastated and gives you that sensation of falling, study your reactions and your feelings and ask yourself how much of your loss is constituted by the other person and how much by the security and stability that other person brought to you. Even if the other person could never re-enter your life, you will know that the potential for stability is not lost forever.

Validating Subjective Experience

After spending time with a group of people, my fiance later told me he felt ignored. He backed up his feelings by describing how no one spoke to him or acknowledged his presence. At first, I thought of instances in which he was included in conversations or activities. I thought of possible explanations to invalidate his claim. But, I realized that it didn't matter whether or not he had actually been ignored. He FELT ignored, and that was enough. His experience was subjective, because it was HIS experience. He needed me to respond, to acknowledge and respect his feelings. Once I did, he was open to see events more objectively... and I was open to admitting how little attention he got.

Reflecting Back

What is it about a listener that makes you feel listened to? The other day, my mother was telling me that a lot of the people she encounters will be silent while she speaks, but they don't listen. Sometimes they even interrupt. It started me thinking about the real meaning of "active listening." Listening is more than hearing, more than saying "uh-huh" every so often. It's an act of participating in someone else's thoughts. This means reflecting back. When I listen to my mom, I think about what she says then offer up my own comments: "Yeah, I get interrupted too sometimes." It's not a special skill but an interaction to be appreciated.

Worth Saying

One night, I literally bit my tongue so hard I couldn't speak. To talk with my husband, I pulled out a pen and paper and wrote what I wanted to say. Because writing out my thoughts was so much trouble, I began to realize how many things I got the urge to say that were not worth saying. For instance, I was about to complain about my allergies when I realized it would be silly to go through the trouble of writing, "Boy, my allergies are really acting up." It made me think about the purpose and consequences of what I say.

Sleep and Love

Loving another person takes energy. I don't mean that it's hard work, just that the excitement and enthusiasm and empathy inside takes up mental and physical energy. I've noticed that when I haven't been getting enough sleep, it's very hard for me to give attention to others. It becomes harder for me to have any quality time at all, and more than a week of this can really have an effect.

Good and Bad Traits Together

Sometimes it is difficult to see the good side and the bad side and know that they are a part of the same person. I can integrate the two by remembering one when I witness the other. I try to remember that both balance each other out, and either side by itself would be unrealistic.

Bring It Up

Sometimes, the thought of discussing something important is scary, especially when the issue is painful and sensitive. But, I found that the longer I wait to discuss an important issue, the worse it gets. More problems add to it, and it becomes even more difficult to talk about. So, at least for me, bringing things up is better than letting them sit.

Needing and Giving

Sometimes I grow so accustomed to needing that I forget I have anything to give. Sometimes I forget that I am not always the victim. Others may need me more than I need them, even though habit leads me to expect the opposite.

Helping

I cannot help someone who does not want help, and if they want help, they do not really need it, because everyone has the power to find the answers they need. All anyone ever needs is encouragement, hope, and good company.

Qualifiers

In an argument (or "problem solving discussion"), when I say something about my partner, I must remember to add qualifiers. It makes a big difference when it comes to the emotional effect of my words. For example, if I say, "You haven't done anything for me lately," I must add to this by saying, "You haven't done anything special or romantic for me lately." Otherwise, I discount everything else, including sacrifices and hard work, and cause my partner to feel unappreciated or rejected.

To Know Someone

To really know someone, I have to forget myself. I have to see them with clear and objective eyes instead of through the eyes of my own needs and concerns. For example, when I judge someone, do I judge them according to the kind of person they are or according to how well they meet my needs? If the way I see a person is determined by how they make me feel, my judgement is more a reflection of my needs rather than their true self.

Fully Feeling

Have you ever held someone's hand without feeling it? There's a danger in established relationships of not paying attention anymore. When I first meet someone, I am so aware of everything. I feel everything, and I am completely present, but after years together, I often act out of habit, completely mindless, and fail to register meaningful interactions such as kind words or affection.

Judgement

It is easier to grow close to someone when neither person spends all their time judging the other, judging how they look that day, judging how well they are handling a situation, judging how many of their responsibilities they missed, and so on. Being judged all the time makes it impossible to share.

Reflection

Sometimes after I get distance between myself and someone, I realize that the qualities I saw in them were mere projections of my own ideals. And, the resources I found in them were really within me.

Withdrawal

Falling in love is a chemical experience, and so losing a love seems to produce withdrawal symptoms similar to those experienced when quitting a drug. The good news is that withdrawal subsides with time, but only if one quits cold turkey. Separation is painful, because one grows physically dependent on another. Attraction and love cause endorphins to be secreted. When the source is removed, these endorphins drop, which is very emotionally painful. So, although the loss seems devastating, things are certain to get better with time.

Not the One

If I have to hold on tightly with all my might just to keep someone around, they are not the one for me. If I keep thinking about how I want them to change, they are not the one for me. If my decision to be with someone depends on the expectation that something will change, they are probably not the one for me.

Time

No matter how much it hurts when things do not work out, it is only a matter of time before I feel stronger and happy again. Anything is bearable if it is only temporary.

The Right Person

The person I am with is the most important factor predicting the success of my relationship. I have found that finding the right person is absolutely necessary and sometimes completely sufficient to make a good relationship. If I start to have really serious problems in the beginning, and nothing I do helps, it is time to move on. Sometimes, when I find someone that is right for me, I discover that what I thought were personal faults were simply traits that did not mesh well with a particular person.

Waiting Before Reacting

When things are not going well, I simply wait awhile, an hour or a day, because such things usually work out on their own. I wait a while before I react, because many of the problems we have faced are caused by fatigue or stress rather than real problems.

Love Feelings

Love is strong, but feelings of love can fluctuate. I can go through a few days feeling like you do not love someone anymore because I simply feel angry. Once the anger is taken care of, the love returns. It was never really gone, just masked by negative emotions. Sometimes these negative emotions are valid, but they do not necessarily mean that love is lost.

False Alarm

Sometimes my emotions are accurate reflections of how things are going, but other times I feel upset for no good reason. I often discover that my upset was caused by something else entirely, like a bad day. The next day, those feelings are gone, and I no longer feel like things are not working out. As a result, emotions can be a false alarm regarding the state of a relationship.

Late Arguments

I never have serious arguments late at night. I think it is better to go to bed angry, because being that tired can make everything seem so much worse and out of proportion.

Misunderstanding

Sometimes I assume that my partner understands my intentions and knows what I mean by what I say, but then by accident I learn that he was thinking something totally different, or he misunderstood me. Now I have learned that when the response to my words and feelings are strange, I am more likely to find misunderstanding than apathy.

The Threshold of Separation

How long is too long? I once decided that the point at which staying together was continually more painful than breaking up was a good indicator that a relationship was over.

Name Calling

I would never ever stay with someone who called me a bad name or hit me. These things are simply not tolerable. These are good rules of thumb.

Illusion of Need

When someone leaves, the instinct to latch on creates the illusion that I need them more than you really do. Like children playing in a room full of toys... A child can have no interest in a toy, then suddenly become angry and possessive when another child tries to take it. The result is an illusion of need.

Toleration

If I sincerely believe something is wrong, I do not let someone persuade me otherwise. I do not allow someone to make me tolerate something I sincerely believe should never be tolerated. Otherwise, as I have experienced, I lose my defenses and end up getting walked on.

Beliefs

One factor in the success of my relationships has been the values and beliefs of the person I choose to be with, especially if there is a conflict.

My Need for Commitment

Because I need a serious relationship, I am never be happy in a casual one. I have found that people who want a casual relationship mock the need for more, but those who want a serious relationship make me realize there is nothing wrong with that need.

Dare To Talk

Dare to communicate. I must say what I am afraid to say, because if I refrain, troubles only grow. I cannot go on ignoring something like it never happened. Such problems only fester. Eventually, through communication, they must be resolved.

Draw the Line

If I fail make my boundaries clear, they are violated again and again, leaving me feeling helpless and powerless. However, if I draw a clear line, everyone feels better. I regain my power, and my partner knows what to expect.