Positive Thinking
Learned Helplessness vs. Learned Optimism
According to researcher Martin Seligman (who was the major professor of my major professor, Lyn Abramson, when she was in graduate school), pessimists think that they are to blame for the bad things that happen in their lives, that bad things will always continue to happen, and that every aspect of their life will be affected by it.
| Because of these beliefs, pessimists feel helpless and more depressed. In contrast, optimists believe that when bad things happen, it's only temporary and that they are still capable of solving problems. In other words, it's not the end of the world.
The interesting insight in Seligman's recent book, Learned Optimism, is that bad things can happen to both pessimists and optimists, but when we ask ourselves, "What does it mean," pessimists have a different interpretation than optimists. Knowing how these interpretations differ is extremely helpful in assisting one's transformation from pessimist to optimist. Learned Optimism More Useful Than Truth
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Constructive Thinking
Positive thinking is constructive thinking. It involves considering real solutions, problem solving, objectivity, logic, and honesty. Contrast this with rumination, dwelling on the past, obsessing over an issue, or wishful thinking. This distinction is especially pertinent when it comes to relationships. Often, instead of thinking how I could solve a problem, my first inclination is to think or do whatever makes me feel better, even if it makes things worse. If I'm mad about something, for instance, instead of talking about it, my instinct is to sulk, but that does no good. In the end, it often makes me madder."A learning experience"
No matter what goes wrong, I can always say "well, it's a learning experience." Between my husband and I, it's almost an ongoing joke. We wasted half a day at the beach with hucksters promising us a discount on a tour. Instead they gave us a high pressure sales pitch for something we could never afford (bogus timeshares). They even tried persuading us to spend our savings on it. After several rounds, I interrupted the guy and told him there was no way on earth they were going to sell us anything and to let us go with our discount or we'd audibly protest. They finally let us go, but it wasn't worth it. We could have been swimming in the ocean, but that's what started the whole "it's a learning experience" tradition. At least it gave us something to talk about. When we took our son to the mall for the first time, it was a total fiasco (dirty diapers, rejected pacifiers, etc), but it was "a learning experience." When we lost money trying to get internet service (the guy came out but didn't get the connection working for a month, which we had to pay for anyway) and the company shuffled us back and forth from phone number to phone number, it was "a learning experience."A learning experience means that it will be better next time, that it wasn't all for nothing. And it always makes for interesting conversation.
The Positive Approach
There's a difference between a negative thought and the perception of something negative. Is it negative thinking to understand that a friendship is fading? No, but hoping in a way that the relationship would get worse just to validate the fact that something is wrong and call attention to the problem is not the most positive approach. Or contemplating who's to blame, stewing over broken plans and unreturned calls. Or giving up before finding out what the real problem is, or spending time speculating why they don't have any more free evenings. Were they offended by something? I could just ask them. I could make efforts to reconnect. For some dumb reason, it's not the approach that comes most easily, but it's the positive approach.Blinded by the Bright Side
It's difficult to see the bright side of a genuinely depressing situation, but sometimes I've had difficulty seeing the bright side even when I'm blinded by it. It's an easy habit to form, always picking out and concentrating on the worries, but those worries and complaints can obscure the brightest blessings.For two years I was looking forward to a conference my husband would be attending in Italy. Now the long awaited vacation is approaching, but I will be 36 weeks pregnant when the conference begins and my husband leaves, without me.
Every month since I got pregnant and calculated how far along I would be during the trip, I have gone through a frantic bout of: "You know, why not, why can't I just go? I could go, it's no big deal. I can sit on a plane for 10 hours. I don't mind. I could just go. If I go into labor, well then I'll just have a baby. People have babies all the time. What's the big deal? We could make 'Atlantic' his middle name, he he." The discussion invariably ends with a reminder that if by that rarest chance I did go into labor on one of the ten hour flights (most first-time mothers give birth between 40-42 weeks), and by chance my labor was short enough that the baby would be coming out before the plane could land (most first-time mothers have longer labors), and by chance there was a complication (like the baby pointing the wrong direction, although two sonograms show that everything is a-okay), then I would have no access to medical care, and something could go terribly wrong, all because I wanted to see the Italian Riviera and be with my husband. Argh! And this invariably ends with several minutes of hormone-pumped tears and a cabin fever panic attack with crazed "get me out of here"s.
My husband has been equally depressed about the whole situation. He doesn't want to leave me alone when I'm only a few weeks from my due date, and he doesn't want to risk missing the birth of his child, but he must go. He must give a talk crucial to his career (and our future). We both know how important it is. Our solution was that he would only go long enough to give his talk and hurry back. It takes between 10 and 18 hours to get to Italy from the East Coast, so that meant he would be gone 3-4 days, but the folks at work who pay his travel budget insist he stay over the weekend to get a lower airfare. Now he will be gone a week.
You should have heard the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth that little announcement triggered in us. From another "why can't I go" to "my job sucks," we were down in the dumps all over again, but it was so silly. I started off with a "look at it this way," and by the time I was done, I realized it was the only way to look at it, and we had been looking at it with excessive negativity. We have so much to be happy about: we're about to start a family and Mark is going to get an all-expense-paid vacation in Genoa. He probably won't miss anything, and I can make do without him for a few days. And, I'm ashamed to admit, it's not as if I have never been to Italy.
Years ago, if I knew of anyone in anguish over such a situation, I would have laughed at them and scorned them for being so spoiled rotten. How is it that I have so forgotten the little I used to have, that I am not overjoyed with what I have now? We have so much to be thankful for, things that many people do not have and may never have. All I can think is it must be a matter of habit. Sometimes the good in a situation is so good that, if you're not used to it, it can be hard to accept. I am always looking for life to get better, to keep improving, and it has; now all I have to do is notice.
Vigilance
It takes vigilance to maintain an optimistic outlook. Cynicism and negativity become habitual with ease, and pessimistic thoughts arise without triggering an alert that says "hey, that's pessimism."On the other hand, trying to be optimistic all the time about all things can wear you out, particularly when it involves nothing more than a brute effort to ignore what you consider the obvious (and unpleasant) truth. This isn't really positive thinking. It's just another form of denial. It's not a sincere optimism, not honest to oneself.
Letting Go of the "Protection" of Cynicism
Negativity is, in a way, a kind of defense against things that go wrong or people that treat you badly. It is a way to fight back and probably underlies anger and fear. Letting go of negative thoughts is difficult, because it feels like you must let the other win, accept defeat, drop your weapon and lower your shield, leave yourself vulnerable and let yourself be walked on. But most of the time though, those negative thoughts are my biggest enemy. They don't protect me really, not in the long run. In fact, they are the very means by which the upsetting events in my life get to me.Another Way of Seeing Things
Positive thinking is not necessarily the denial of unpleasant, unacceptable, or bad things in the world; it's another way of seeing things altogether and an alternate perspective that puts these bads things in their place.Positive Thinking Makes Good Memories
One of the consequences of negative thinking, of failing to see the bright side, is the creation of unpleasant memories. I went on a vacation to an intriguing place, but I was disappointed by a few things, like spartan hotel rooms and bad meals. Now when I look back and remember my trip, the first memories that pop up into my mind are those of my irritation. The vacation was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I tainted it with my pessimism. But, I did learn something.Solutions: A Pleasant Surprise
My view of life has been centered around the sense that problems demand quick solutions, and that happiness is merely a matter of finding solutions to every problem, and that one of these days I can find all the solutions, and then there will be no more problems, and then I will be happy finally. I am beginning to realize that if I expect to find all the solutions to all my problems, I will never be happy. What does it take to be happy, most of the time?I went to a movie expecting it to stink, but I actually enjoyed it. I remembered going to see a movie that I expected to be fantastic, and it stunk. Maybe life is something like a movie in this same way. When I expect to find a solution to every problem, I end up feeling very disappointed, because of course problems continually arise and solutions are not always possible. But, if I know and accept that kind of thing, happiness is easier to find. And solutions are like entertaining movies, a pleasant surprise.
-- Frances E. Vaughan
Perfectionism
Does a negative thought cancel out a positive thought? Why does negative thinking always seem to overpower everything good about a situation? Everything can be wonderful, and yet the tendency to pick out whatever is wrong colors every perception and every feeling. This tendency seems like an element of perfectionism. Everything has to be perfect, and if even one thing is wrong, the whole situation is tainted. But, if this is how it works, then perfectionism is the ultimate in negative thinking, because it magnifies every imperfection.-- Judith Guest, Ordinary People
Ways to Appreciate
Ways to stop taking things for granted:- Ask myself what I would miss if anything happened. If I was suddenly relocated to the planet Mars, what would I miss?
- Ask myself what I would have thought of my good fortunes in the past when I had much less. Years ago, when I was working in a minimum wage job, I would have considered my current occupation a miracle.
- Ask myself, if I could wish on someone one of my fates, what would it be? Good health? There are so many who would appreciate that. A beautiful son? For those who are trying to bring a child into their lives and having difficulty, he's a miracle. The list is infinite.
What It Means
Gratitude seems to imply that I have given in or given up. How can I be thankful when so many things are going wrong? But gratitude does not invalidate my protests. I do not have to overlook or ignore the negative to embrace the positive. If I fail to recognize the good things in my life even while I lament the bad, I will be absorbed by my objections.Could Have Been Worse?
I have never found it helpful to induce optimism by imagining how much worse things could be. This is depressing, and it only makes it easier to fear the worst. Or when people say others have it worse, I only feel bad for them. On the other hand, it does often make me feel better to remember a time when my own life was not as blessed.Complaining
Sometimes griping is just an interesting pasttime. I've caught myself complaining just for fun, but it helps me to avoid complaining when I don't really need to. My words affect my thoughts just as my thoughts affect my words. Complaining only gives me practice in pessimism, and it gets to be a bad habit.Practice
Positive thinking is a habit, like cursing, so it takes practice to develop. The nice dinner ruined by a rude waiter and a slow cook? It's just another opportunity to exercise my positive thinking muscle. We'll get the food to go, leave after an hour of good conversation, and eat our food on a bench by the pier overlooking the Chesapeake. It starts to rain. Another benchpress. How about taking the food home, starting a fire, and spreading a blanket on the floor like a picnic but without bugs? The baby enters his cranky hour, and several rounds of feeding, consoling, and diapering eat away the evening. Another benchpress, with an added twenty pounds. Put the food in the fridge for tomorrow, something to look forward to, and bask in the fact that we're a family. The nice thing about cranky babies is that if it gets bad enough, it's funny. Trying to think positive, it keeps getting easier and easier until I don't have to try so hard.Questions To Ask Myself
-- What are the good things in my life? Why are they good? How do these things make me feel?-- How could I interpret my life or my current situation in a positive light?
-- What can I look forward to?
-- In what way have people been kind to me in the past?
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Last modified on: 08/08/06