Loneliness

Last modified on: 10/23/06

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Observe the Space

If you can observe the absence of another person, you can be more aware of their presence when they return. If you can listen to the silence, you can better hear them when they do speak. If you can stop talking to yourself when you're alone, you can speak to them when they are with you... otherwise you're only still talking to yourself.

Observe the space that separates you from others. Listen to the silence. Stop talking to the projected images of the one you love, and be with yourself. This mindful solitude is so full, it's difficult to feel lonely.

Solitude and Emptiness in a Sea of People

Americans report fewer close friends and confidants than they did years ago. For most people, their only close confidant is their spouse, and the most common number of confidants people report is 0. I read this sad statistic while sitting in a restaurant late one night eating tabouleh by myself at a table for four. I was in fact enjoying my time alone, but the irony that immediately hit home with me was that my delicious solitude on display was unconventional, perhaps even uncomfortable to watch, at the same time that overtures of real friendship seem taboo. I chatted briefly with a friend sitting nearby who is obviously on the prowl for one such person, a close confidant, preferably of the opposite sex. Such yearning for the closeness and tenderness of a fellow human being reminded me of bowerbirds. They build archways out of grass and blue trinkets to attract a mate. The archway is their way of saying, "There is an empty space waiting for you, my love." Their emptiness is their lovesong!

The sadness of solitude seems to stem from the fact that we feel disconnected while simultaneously surrounded by a sea of people. We are like dieters longing for a bite of chocolate, which happens to be hovering just above our tongue, but though we can taste a bit of the sweetness, we cannot have it. There is nothing more torturous. Perhaps this is why it is sometimes easier to feel alone when you're surrounded by people.

Modern social conventions impose a wall between us, but those who violate it are not always scorned. I watch how my 3-year-old son interacts with strangers. He talks to them like he knows them as a friend, asking them what they're doing and where they're going. It's not exactly the sort of comfort level a mother wants to see, but there's an openness there that adults don't have, and the objects of his misdirected affections utterly delight in his attention. Children with Williams syndrome, a genetic disorder that leads to malformations in the brain, exhibit an uninhibited drive to affiliate with others. For them, "there are no strangers, only friends." Though they cross boundaries with their social warmth, they often evoke equal warmth in others. Maybe everyone secretly has Williams syndrome and we all just need to come out of the closet.

Of course, I think it's just for want of more meaningful connections with someone, not everyone. Trying to glean some sort of human connection from my superficial interactions... it starts feeling a little ridiculous. But the key may lie in transforming the superficial small talk that we must rely on into something with underlying meaning, like a secret code... talking about the weather with the shared understanding that what you are really doing is using this vapid topic as a tool, a way of saying, "Hello there friend! I see you. I hear you. I care about you. You are not alone." In this way, perhaps we can bring sincerity and warmth into conventional social interactions that are otherwise shallow and empty.

Investing in Others

Loneliness is hard to heal. It requires more than just casual social contact. I think some people need to form genuine connections with others on a personal one-to-one basis. At least, I'm one of those people, and I've never found it satisfying to, for example, participate in chat rooms on the internet. Talking with strangers is interesting but not very emotionally meaningful. I think that if loneliness is to heal, it requires more of an investment, and more time. It requires an investment in other people and patience until that investment results in real, sincere relationships.

A Beneficial Lesson

If loneliness has taught me anything, it's the value of a friend. Perhaps that knowledge was worth it.

Awareness of Others

Even in a relationship, one can feel lonely. This happens when one becomes habituated and desensitized to the presence of the other person, when one takes the other for granted. Noticing a bout of lonely feelings and this numbness that had crept into my thoughts and feelings about my significant other, I practiced a form of meditation called mindfulness, the purpose of which is to become completely and nonjudgementally aware of everything around you. I looked at my loved one and thought, "He is here," and I compared that perception to times when I was truly alone. I felt as though all my feelings of love and communion awoke, and the lonely feelings were very gone.

Going Out

When it is just me, I easily forget that I can go out and have fun on my own. I end up spending my entire day sitting indoors working on stuff. It greatly eases my loneliness to go out and do things. I go out to a cafe, visit the mall or a good bookstore, or walk through a neighborhood park. Basically, I do the things I think I can only do in the company of another, and I find what a great friend I can be to myself.

Being By Yourself

There is a difference between being alone and being by yourself.

Focus

I have only found it difficult to be alone when I think about what it would be like to spend time with someone. This makes me feel empty and isolated in comparison. But, if I just focus on what I am doing and enjoy my own company, I do not feel as lonely.

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