Laughter is the Best Antidepressant

Last modified on: 08/08/06

Sayings by Will Rogers

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

You can develop great mental discipline, if you just put your mind to it.
-- Lisa Lindeman

Whenever I fell blue... I start breathing again.
-- Source unknown

Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?

How can you prove you're not crazy to people who are?

Are left-handed people the only people in their right minds?

Is it possible for reality checks to bounce?

Don't we all experience moments absolutely free from worry? You know those times when total panic sets in?

Researchers have found that pessimists have the same blood type: B negative.
-- Stan Kegel

Why can't there be a quick and easy cure for impatience?
-- Ossie Michelin

I was walking through the park with my husband when I spotted a kitty and meowed to it. My husband pretended to write on an imaginary notepad, and said, "Hmm... thinks she is a cat." I pretended to write on a notepad, "thinks he is a psychologist."
-- Lisa Lindeman

Those Crazy Agents

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place:

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Click.
From Laugh & Lift (http://www.egroups.com/group/laughlift).

You should have listened to what I should have said.

I explained to my friend that no one ever thinks they are evil. Everyone has moral justifications for what they do, even terrorists, especially terrorists. I said, you could never write a book, "How to Cure Yourself of Being Evil," because no one would buy it. My friend said, "But it would make a great gift!"
-- Lisa Lindeman

My therapy is quite simple: I wag my tail and lick your face until you feel good about yourself again.

Looks aren't everything. It's what's inside you that really matters. A biology teacher told me that.

According to my research, laughter is the best medicine, giggling is good for mild infections, chuckling works for minor cuts and bruises, and snickering only makes things worse.

What I really had in mind was something that would insulate me from criticism.

That's right, Godzilla. We'd like to hire you to hang around our parking lot, look dangerous, and make the rest of our problems look tiny by comparison.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Things are more like they are today then they have ever been before.

Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If you're right 98% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones

"Time's fun when you're having flies."
-- Kermit the Frog

I think my boyfriend has reached a state of Zen. Every time I ask him what he's thinking, he says, "Nothin." Actually, men learn two responses in order to answer questions. That's the first thing they teach them in boyfriend school: nothin and I dunno. The teacher says these two answers will get you past any question your girlfriend might ask. They rehearse: Do you want to go out to eat tonight? I dunno. What did you do yesterday? Nothin. Do you think we should talk about it? I dunno. What are you feeling right now? Nothin. So I try to screw them up. I ask, "Do you know where we are on the map?" He says, "Nothin." Or, I ask him two questions in quick succession. "Who's the president of the United States? What's gravity?" He says, "I dunno nothin."
-- Lisa Lindeman

How to Handle Stress

1. Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill.
2. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
3. When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans.
4. Make a list of things you have already done.
5. Dance naked in front of pets.
6. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothing was wrong.
7. Thumb through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
8. Drive to work in reverse.
9. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
10. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.

Family Stress Test

Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. ____ The cat is on Valium.
4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
7. ____ No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
8. ____ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
9. ____ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:
30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.
10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?

	My therapy is quite simple: I wag my tail and lick your face until you feel good about yourself again.
	Looks aren't everything. It's what's inside you that really matters. A biology teacher told me that.
	According to my research, laughter is the best medicine, giggling is good for mild infections, chuckling works for minor cuts and bruises, and snickering only makes things worse.
	What I really had in mind was something that would insulate me from criticism.
	That's right, Godzilla. We'd like to hire you to hang around our parking lot, look dangerous, and make the rest of our problems look tiny by comparison.