Laughter is the Best Antidepressant

Those Crazy Agents
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place:

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Click.

From Laugh & Lift (http://www.egroups.com/group/laughlift).

Techno-Awe
My fiance was telling my grandmother that the government developed robotic spider-like devices capable of climbing onto a shore and setting off ground mines, clearing the way for troops. She said, "Wow, doesn't that just blow you away!"

Decision Making
"One time my father accompanied me when I took my dog out for his evening constitutional. My dog is rather finicky about where he 'does it.' I wondered aloud about the criterion he uses to select his spot. My father replied, 'It's a process of elimination.'" -- Submitted by Stan Kegel to The Good, Clean Funnies List.

That Sinking Feeling
I was recalling a day last summer when my boyfriend and I went to the lake. The lake had been drained so much so that half the lake bed was exposed, so we decided to walk across it, like explorers crossing the Berring Straight. (I have no idea how to spell that.) We approached the bank (or what used to be the bank), and I took several steps out, aspiring to reach the other side, but my venture was cut short. I started to sink ever so slightly into the mud. Each step grew more difficult, until I lifted my back foot... and my sandal stayed behind. It was stuck in the mud. I turned around and ran back to the bank where my boyfriend was laughing, but I left my other sandal behind as well. Now I was barefoot, my shoes poking out of the lake bed like jelly beans on the icing of a cake. I turned to my boyfriend with the pleading eyes that only a girlfriend is allowed to make. He decided to retrieve my shoes for me, but this time, he said, he would be smart. As he lectured me about the wonders of science (he's a physicist), he explained how he would use a long plank of wood to walk across the mud unhampered. He placed the plank down between himself and my sandals and proceeded to walk it. It sank. He lost his balance and stumbled back onto his left foot, into the mud. He wandered over to a dry patch, but when he lifted his left foot, only his pristine white sock covered it. Now what? He stood with his left foot precariously in the air. I was laughing so hard I was gasping for air. Needless to say, I got my sandals back and ten minutes later he was washing his socks in the lake.

Bad Bluff
Last Christmas, my boyfriend and I were playing poker. He dealt me a hand, but before I even had a chance to place a bet (fake money), he folded.
"What is it?" I asked.
I was humming "We Three Kings."

Say Again?
Winner of the useless advice award: You should have listened to what I should have said.

Mental Image
Okay... Mr. T with a receding hair line.

What We Want
Men think women want a man who can make the shot into a wastebasket. In actuality, women want a man who will go and pick it up when he misses.

A Helping Eye
Joe and Bob are trying to start their car but the battery appears dead. Joe asks Bob to stand behind the car and tell him if the blinker is working. Bob walks behind the car, and Joe turns on the blinker. Bob says, "Yes... no... yes... no..."

I Meant To Do That
One morning several years ago, I woke up with a very sore eye. I could hardly blink. I looked in the mirror. It was very red and dry, as though something were seriously wrong. I closed my eye but the pain persisted. I realized there was nothing I could do. I had no medical insurance. What if it didn't go away? How would I talk to anyone? What if I went blind? I sat on my bed feeling scared and powerless and started to cry. When I finished crying, I blinked... I looked in the mirror... my eye was all better.

Simple Advantages
The big advantage of the book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. -- Jerry Seinfeld, SeinLanguage

Identity Debate
I was walking through the park with my boyfriend when I spotted a kitty and meowed to it. My boyfriend pretended to write on an imaginary notepad, and said, "Hmm... thinks she is a cat." I pretended to write on a notepad, "thinks he is a psychologist."

I saw a man walk by wearing clothes that made him look like Satan. Now what possesses a man to dress like that?

My class is so boring, I experienced satori, sudden enlightenment.

Who decided how to spell "bureaucracy?"

When they make aliens in movies, instead of making high-tech mouths, they should just change the alien's language and make it something like, "Bah, bah, uh, rur, mah, bah."

I explained to my friend that no one ever thinks they are evil. Everyone has moral justifications for what they do, even terrorists, especially terrorists. I said, you could never write a book, "How to Cure Yourself of Being Evil," because no one would buy it. My friend said, "But it would make a great gift!"

I think my boyfriend has reached a state of Zen. Every time I ask him what he's thinking, he says, "Nothin." Actually, men learn two responses in order to answer questions. That's the first thing they teach them in boyfriend school: nothin and I dunno. The teacher says these two answers will get you past any question your girlfriend might ask. They rehearse: Do you want to go out to eat tonight? I dunno. What did you do yesterday? Nothin. Do you think we should talk about it? I dunno. What are you feeling right now? Nothin. So I try to screw them up. I ask, "Do you know where we are on the map?" He says, "Nothin." Or, I ask him two questions in quick succession. "Who's the president of the United States? What's gravity?" He says, "I dunno nothin."

My boyfriend gave me a compliment that only a physicist would give. (He's a physicist.) I was complaining about my pear shape. He said that I was beautiful, because I have a low center of gravity, and that makes my body more stable. I said, "I'm not a weeble wobbler!" I was also complaining that my silk shirt was sticking to me. He said static electricity makes me attractive.

It's not so bad if something is just out of reach. Because, in the movies when something is just out of reach, you just keep straining and all of sudden your arm grows longer and you can grab it.

What's with "Ode to Toilet" to name a cologne? Why don't they just call it what it is? Shower Substitute.

Don't look at me. I did it, but don't look at me.

I was shopping for a chair for my desk. Some of these chairs are ridiculous. They look like thrones. I asked if they came with a complimentary royal scepter. They do! They call it a remote control. I was checking out another chair with a lever on the side. Many of these chairs come with a lever that moves the chair up or down. When you're sitting in it, it moves down. When you're not putting your weight on it, it moves up. But this chair tilted backward or forward by the lever. The chair was low, so I wanted to move it up. I lifted my butt up just far enough to pull my weight off the chair, and I pulled the lever thinking the chair would move up a bit. Instead, the chair flopped forward and catapulted me across the room like an ejection seat. I figured it out. That's the chair they put on the other side of the desk, across from the throne.

Copyright 1997 Randy Glasbergen
Website: www.norwich.net/~randyg/toon.html

	My therapy is quite simple: I wag my tail and lick your face until you feel good about yourself again.
	Looks aren't everything. It's what's inside you that really matters. A biology teacher told me that.
	According to my research, laughter is the best medicine, giggling is good for mild infections, chuckling works for minor cuts and bruises, and snickering only makes things worse.
	What I really had in mind was something that would insulate me from criticism.
	That's right, Godzilla. We'd like to hire you to hang around our parking lot, look dangerous, and make the rest of our problems look tiny by comparison.

A FEW ONE-LINERS
- To unrightfully take a sip of someone's chocolate shake: uslurp
- Hey, don't look at me! I did it, but don't look at me.
- I'm on a diet... I can have my cake, but I can't eat it. My daily meal plan is a pie chart.
- I am not very good at M.A.A. (That stands for "making acronyms appropriately.")
- I want to be a door-to-door sales person and sell those little signs that say, "No Soliciting."

ADVANCES IN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE
Overheard in class: "I was using the grammar check on my computer when it told me I should write 'humankind' instead of 'mankind.' It's a PC PC!"

LEARNING TO USE THE DICTIONARY
Once, I was walking through a bookstore with my brother, and he asked, "What does 'unabridged' mean?" Of course, I give the answer parents are so fond of: "Look it up."

I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES
Years ago, I asked a friend if he had ever heard of paradoxical logic. He answered, "Well, yes and no."

ENOUGH SAID
I asked my boyfriend if he might want to submit a tip to my website concerning communication in relationships. He said, "I have nothing to say about that."

WHERE AM I?
I was walking around an amusement park with a hand-held map, trying to figure out where I was in reference to the nearby rides. I wasn't having any luck... I was looking for the little arrow saying, "YOU ARE HERE!"

BISCUIT TROUBLE
My boyfriend called me to the kitchen because he couldn't open a can of biscuits. I assumed he was having trouble popping it open. I was about to suggest that he press a spoon against the seam of the can, until I entered the kitchen and discovered the problem. He was using a can opener!
(This was the same week he put laundry detergent in the dish washer.)

"I MEANT TO DO THAT"
I was reading an email from my friend, and I noticed he misspelled "of course" as "of coarse." I thought it was a typo, but then he did it again. Later, I teased him, "You can't spell it, can you?" He quickly recovered, however, by claiming what he meant was: "roughly speaking."

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Things are more like they are today then they have ever been before.

Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Error, no keyboard -- press F1 to continue.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?

'Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.'

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If you're right 98% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Avoid cliches like the plague.

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness, The New York Times , 1960

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

"Time's fun when you're having flies."
-- Kermit the Frog

HOW TO HANDLE STRESS

1. Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill.
2. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
3. When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans.
4. Make a list of things you have already done.
5. Dance naked in front of pets.
6. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothing was wrong.
7. Thumb through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
8. Drive to work in reverse.
9. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
10. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.