Happiness

Last modified on: 11/10/06

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Irony #101: Relative Happiness and Making Comparisons

Happiness seems to depend so much on the ratio of what we want to what we have. Yet, and this is almost cliche, no matter how much we get, we always want more. In this way, a happy life is relative. Riches do solve problems, but they are not necessarily a cure for depression. On the other hand, our happiness seems to be heavily influenced by the comparisons we make between ourselves and others. In evaluating our lives, we look at what other people have, or we consider what our life could or should be like.

So, isn't it funny that we make our happiness dependent on how our lives compare with others while people with more money, a bigger house, and more friends are doing the same thing and feeling just as unhappy?

In The Tao of Abundance, the experience of real happiness is described as one that transcends material wealth. It's based on the philosophy that when we just see things as they are, without our usual self-centered evaluations and judgements, the world suddenly appears full of abundance and has a deep beauty even in things we consider ugly.

Those Happy People

Have you ever had a day in which you felt just plain happy? It was an ordinary day. You had stressors, you had things to do, things to worry about. But they didn't affect you the same way. You were relaxed. You had energy. You just went about your day in a state of contentment.

Some people are like that every day. They're just happy people. They're the kind of people you love to meet and be around, because sometimes their happiness rubs off on you. You start to see the world through their eyes a bit, and everything seems okay. They also seem to be happier with you, and that's always nice.

I woke up one morning (seriously) and thought, What's stopping me from becoming one of those happy people? What would it take for me to be the kind of person who is just plain happy all the time?

I looked back on a happy day to see where my mind was. What stood out was intriguing, two key elements that permeated every aspect of my elation: trusting in myself and accepting things as they were.

I trusted myself to handle whatever problems came along. I was confident in my willingness and ability to do what needed to be done. I felt ready to act, because I didn't feel the pull of any diversion. I was poised to respond to the demands of daily life. My motivation was, in essence, focused on the present moment. As a result, I knew I would not let myself down. I knew I would do my best to get through the day, bills, phone calls, homework, chores and all. This meant that I had nothing to worry about. What a relief!

I accepted the day. I accepted that I wouldn't be sitting on the beach reading my favorite book. No, that's a mom's dream rarely fulfilled, but on a happy day, I didn't yearn for it. Instead, I felt completely okay with the fact that my day would be spent "working." With that, it didn't seem like work anymore. I also accepted the moment, thinking less about where I was trying to go, what future I was trying to build. Instead, I say, this is my life right now. That's all there is to it.

I also accepted myself. No internal criticism, because who else in the world thinks so much about my failings and embarrassments other than myself? If no one else is sitting around all day thinking about the dumb things I've done, why should I? Ever meet someone who's not perfect? (Yeah, like, everyone.) Did you condemn them? Run them out of town? No, you accepted them. That's the way people are. So, I accepted myself in this same way.

On a happy day, I wasn't trying to do these things. For some reason, I just did them. The net result was a kind of relaxation that only arises when your mind is right where you are and your actions are in perfect alignment with your motivations. To find those days again, I imagine that I am one of those happy people. A happy day, I'm finding, is not one marked by happy things to do but by a happy way of seeing things.

Moving into the Mansion

Occasionally happiness seems elusive. I ask myself why I feel down when I have everything to be happy about. A part of the cause are the demands of daily life (i.e., caring for a newborn, losing sleep... I always feel blah when I lose sleep). But there is something else going on. I was feeling a general dissatisfaction and melancholy that seemed perpetuated from one moment to the next even though my life has never been better. I examined my thoughts and found that I was inclined to contemplate the things in my life that are not right or perfect: bad news, paperwork, missed opportunities, chores, mistakes, pressures, and so on. I acknowledged the good things in my life, but only in passing, while I dwelled on the bad things. It was as if I stood before two houses, both my own. One was a beautiful mansion of love, hope, and joy, while the other was a small shack containing a few petty disappointments. Why was I choosing to live in the shack?

I tend to approach life with a problem-solving attitude. In my mind, happiness is an end goal, the absence of negative emotion. As a result, to reach it I must remove all problems and eliminate all negative emotions. One problem, one negative emotion, means that I have not yet reached happiness. But there are always problems to be solved and worries to deal with. Instead of living in the shack where I think I have to be to solve those problems and looking out the window at the mansion, I should be living in the mansion, visiting the shack only as needed.

The Purpose of Happiness

Positive emotions have a significant effect on how we see the world and what we do with ourselves. Joy and contenment open our minds to new experiences, stimulate creativity, and motivate us to play, explore, and savor life. Through play and exploration, we learn more about our environment, form close relationships, and improve ourselves.

These effects are described by the broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions developed by Barbara L. Fredrickson of the University of Michigan. The theory distinguishes happiness, love, gratitude, and other pleasant feelings from fear, sadness, and anger by showing that while negative emotions focus our minds and limit our activities, positive emotions broaden our thought-action repertoires. Thus, when we are happy, we learn, grow, and build a better future.

Cultivating Joy Through Meaning

Researcher Barbara L. Fredrickson, who studies the beneficial effects of positive emotions, offers this advice: "cultivate positive emotions indirectly by finding positive meaning within current circumstances. Positive meaning can be obtained by finding benefits within adversity, by infusing ordinary events with meaning and by effective problem solving. You can find benefits in a grim world, for instance, by focusing on the newfound strengths and resolve within yourself and others. You can infuse ordinary events with meaning by expressing appreciation, love and gratitude, even for simple things. And you can find positive meaning through problem solving by supporting compassionate acts toward people in need. So although the active ingredient within growth and resilience may be positive emotions, the leverage point for accessing these benefits is finding positive meaning."

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