Self-Improvement

Last modified on: 08/08/06

Building New Qualities With Old Ones

To develop new strengths, draw upon the strengths and abilities you already have. Use them as construction materials for forming new aspects of yourself. Build on the foundation already established inside you. For example, to cultivate reverence for other people, you might draw upon the reverence you have for nature.

Don't try to change yourself when it comes to who you are. Instead, change the way you see yourself and let it manifest.

Small Solutions for Big Problems

I have a tendency to look for major remedies to major problems, but sometimes little things can make a big difference. Big problems don't always require big solutions, and I don't assume that a big problem cannot possibly be attributable to something small.

Once years ago, I felt fatigued and drained, so much that sometimes it hurt to stand up, my mind was in a fog, it was easy to get stressed or down, and I had chest pains, abdominal cramps, and stomach aches. I thought maybe I had chronic fatigue syndrome or diabetes or hypoglycemia or some other disease or a genetic defect. I couldn't get health care at the time, but I was sure whatever was wrong with me needed serious treatment. One day I came across a nutritional product designed to reduce body acidity. I tried it and also started drinking more water. After one week I felt like running up and down the street with joy. I felt full of energy, light as a feather, clear headed, happy, and free of aches and pains.

"If suffering brought wisdom, the dentist's office would be full of luminous ideas."
-- Cooley

Emotional Well-Being, Buy One Get One Free

Emotional well-being has been so commercialized that it's difficult to be inspired by it. Self-love, healing, and nurturing are personal, intimate pursuits, but commercialization has stripped them of their meaning and turned them into products. Now the endeavor to nurture ourselves is not something we see as our own personal journey, a journey that has never been made before from our perspective, a tender, beautiful path through quiet woods. Instead, it's a public road, and we wander it looking for the next street sign or crossing guard to give us directions. In this public venue, sharing our souls with products and television, we are more alone and disillusioned. The journey then needs to return to you, to be guided by your own intuition and perceptions, and develop as though each concept and lesson were new and undiscovered.

Real Lesson Learning

Every time I learn a lesson in life, I want to write it down as fast as I can, so I don't forget it. But then it occurred to me... if I have to write it down, the lesson is not over yet.

When I was in junior high, I kept a diary that I was very secretive about. My secretiveness made my sister very curious and she longed for a peek. Finally I exploded, "I don't know why you want to read this--all that's written in it is, 'I'm so fat, I'm so depressed,' about a million times over!"

I'm exaggerating, maybe just a little. However, after a while, it did become very easy, and not very cathartic, for me to continually repeat the same laments over and over... So beware of using the journal to obsess about your life.
-- Donna Levin, Get That Novel Started

Too Much Reading

Sometimes I spend so much time reading about how to do things that I forget to actually do them. In the past six months, I think I have read more than twenty books, and I have learned a lot, but I discover myself putting one book down and picking up another without anything in between. Maybe I need some time there to soak everything in or contemplate what I read. It's like when I read a long list of jokes... I laugh a whole lot, but I don't remember a single one.

Getting at the Root

If you can't extinguish an emotion, extinguish the thought it's attached to, and the emotion fades away. I do this sometimes by turning my attention onto the thought itself rather than the subject of the thought. When I feel myself starting to enter into it, becoming absorbed by the content of the thought, I take a step back again, until the thought has no significance. It seems emotions, probably because they create changes in the body, are more difficult to extinguish, especially just by trying to think more thoughts.

Pain Can Be a Good Thing

Recently, a friend told me about her philosophy. She used to think that the goal was to avoid all emotional pain. That emotional pain was a bad thing. Then, she realized that it could also be a good thing. When she goes through periods of anxiety or sadness or anger, instead of working to extinguish it, she works with it and uses it to learn from life. She accepts it as an experience, one that enhances her as a person and gives her life flavor and meaning.

Cliche Wisdom

The best words of wisdom are those tiresome everyday cliches, because that is what really good advice becomes just in virtue of its repetition.

Get a Mirror

I was using a microcassette recorder to study for a final, and as I was listening to myself read a stack of notes, I heard myself reacting to what I was reading. It was actually kind of funny. I would say something like, "Freud believed that obsessive-compulsive disorder, which has clear biological and genetic correlates, was caused by overly harsh toilet training," followed by "thppppt, whatever!" I didn't realize I was saying these things when I was recording. This gave me the idea to record myself when I was angry or upset or depressed... then listen to it later. When I was feeling somewhat miserable and sad, I started taping. I simply said what I was thinking. The next day, when I was feeling alright again, I played it back. I couldn't believe myself! It was a real eye opener. Self change is difficult without some kind of feedback, in the same way that it's hard to smile a good smile without looking in the mirror.

The best way to predict the future is to create it.
-- Peter Drucker

Giving It Time

I decided I wanted to stop watching so much TV and spend my time more productively. The first couple of nights were easy, but after a stressful day, all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and flip channels. I felt like I had failed, and because of that sense of defeat, I gave up on my goal. I didn't really consciously decide to give up; I just quit thinking about it. I think I expected to change my routine and my affinity for TV forever in the instant I made the decision.

Goals for personal improvement that require me to transform something fundamental about my personality in a week are not going to work. I can't form a new habit or break an old one overnight, and my daily routines are powerful habits. If I want to introduce a new activity or regulate a preexisting one, I need time, especially if I want the change to stick. Time means I'm going to "fail" now and then.

Subgoals

I once read that if you want to accomplish something, you have to break it down into steps that can actually be performed. I may want to increase my confidence, but I need to figure out exactly what that means. Nothing is going to happen if all I set out to do is "increase my confidence." I might try reducing the number of self-depricating thoughts I have every time I embarrass myself. That's something I can do. It might mean doing things I think I can't do just to push the limit and learn what I'm really capable of.

Specificity and Vision

If I were a shape-shifter and I wanted to make myself into a bird, how would I do it? I would have to think of a particular kind of bird. Otherwise, I would not have enough of a vision in my mind to do it. If my goal is to become an optimist, I need to specify exactly what I want to happen. Think of examples. Examples are more specific and useful than concepts and ideas. Self-esteem is a concept. Loving your body the way it is is an example. Optimism is a concept. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is more clear.

Rehearsal

When I think of optimism, I often have only a vague image of some generic character standing in front of a drinking glass (the "half full vs. half empty" glass). This doesn't really prepare me to be optimistic in opportune situations. When a more realistic event occurs and I have the choice of being optimistic or pessimistic, I forget about my goal and react out of habit, so it might help to imagine the situation beforehand and imagine reacting the way I want.

Make It Important

Most people have a list of things to do and things to worry about a mile long. A goal like learning to be more kind usually falls at the bottom of the list. If something needs to be bumped off, goals for personal improvement are usually the ones to go. They are not absolutely necessary, and the penalties are imperceptible. Yet, personal improvement and healing captures the heart of everything you do and the reasons you do them. Self-help goals open the door to peace, fulfillment, and joy. Without these changes in yourself, how can other endeavors bring you satisfaction?

Two Paths

In adversity, we move in one of two directions: towards greater emotional pain or towards wisdom, experience, determination, patience, and healing.

Costs and Benefits

Consider the costs and benefits. Understanding your potential gains and your eventual losses will fuel your endeavors and get your brain to cooperate. What will happen if you do not reach your goal? How will you feel? How will your life change if you do succeed?

Make Time

Make time to spend on yourself. If you set aside even ten minutes a day to think about your goals, to contemplate, and to practice, you accomplish much more than spending a full day every so often.

Prioritize

Choose one or two goals at a time. You do not have time to make everything about yourself perfect at once. If you try to tackle everything about yourself you want to change, you will only end up giving up. Set aside a little bit of time every day or every week. If you can make time to watch your favorite show on television every Thursday, you can make time to work on your goal.

Listening

Really listen to your sources of wisdom. If you feel disillusioned with self-help books or personal advice, consider how you respond to them. Do your eyes glaze over what feels like painfully generic advice? Sometimes the most plain advice is the most sound. One way to start doing this is to heed cliche. When wise words are used over and over again, they become cliche and their meaning is lost, but every cliche harbors simple, timeless wisdom.

Wise Words

Keep wise words handy. Write down a few important statements you find in books and articles. An index card is helpful, and continue to read those statements again and again, especially in situations where they are relevant. For example, Ursula K. LeGuin said, "It is good to have an end to journey towards, but it is the journey that matters in the end." When I am struggling to fulfill a long-term goal, I recall these words.

Practice

Did you know that you can change the structure and chemistry of your brain in a specific area by repeatedly using your mind in a certain way? The first implication here is that you can make permanent changes in the way you think and feel, but there is another implication. You have already made permanent changes. This means that if you are to change the way you think, you have to undo concrete changes. This takes more than wisdom; it takes time and effort, not just knowing, but doing.

Practice not only changes your mind, it changes the structure of your brain. This simple form of learning is one of the most primitive mechanisms in the brain. Consequently, accessing it with your conscious mind is like trying to rewire your computer circuitry by typing a program on the screen. So, you cannot solve these forms of emotional pain simply by interpreting things differently. Instead, you must practice.

Put Words Into Action

Doing what you learn is absolutely necessary if you are to recondition yourself. Sometimes, you might have an emotional response to something before thinking about it. This happens when your brain is wired to trigger an emotion in response to a perception, without requiring any interpretation of the event first. For example, if you had a car accident, the mere sight of a moving car could trigger sudden fear, even though you know the car is safe. You might not even be aware that it is the car that is making you feel so bad! To change the fear response, you need more than a new way of seeing things, you need to create new experiences with cars, if not in real life then in your mind. This requires more than reading or knowing, it requires doing.

Little Steps

Follow a plan. Take little steps. You do not need to make yourself perfect in a week. If you are afraid of the emotional pain that lies ahead, remember that the only thing you ever have to worry about is the next step, not the next ten steps or the next mile, just the next step.

Monitor Yourself

Vigilant self-awareness is absolutely necessary for making changes in the way you think, feel, or react. Self-awareness is as necessary to changing yourself as a good ear is to playing good music. Listen to your thoughts. You cannot change your thoughts if you are not aware of them throughout the day.

Identification

Identify your emotions. Emotions can be elusive. Sometimes it is hard to tell exactly what emotion is present. Sometimes no emotions seem to surface. Emotions can be hard to identify for several reasons. Conflicting emotions can pull you in so many directions that you end up stuck in the middle. A pause can help.

Explore the Unpleasant

People instinctively push unpleasant emotions away, which can stunt recovery and create a dull, numb feeling. Find a secure place to allow yourself to explore the pain you are pushing away. This secure place might be in solitude or in the support of someone close. Only by exploring the unpleasant can you get rid of it.

On the other hand, there is the danger of dwelling on the unpleasant and fixating on the need for resolution. Sometimes it's better just to leave a situation behind.

Reward

Reward yourself. If you succeed in any way, a pat on the back is warranted. Give yourself feedback. Remember where you used to be. Often when our efforts succeed, they succeed so gradually that we fail to take notice. You simply need to remember how you used to feel and how you used to see things. When you put your goals into practice, take notice. Think about the fact that you succeeded.

Progress Journal

Keep a journal. Keep an organizer or record book of your progress, concerns, and exercises. For instance, you could write two sentences every night about how you put your personal goals into practice, or you could write down a number from 1 to 100 indicating how you feel with respect to your goal. You could write down anything that stood in your way or why you found it difficult to implement a new plan. Whatever you choose to write, a journal is a great resource. Not only does it keep you focused on your goals, it gradually becomes your own personal textbook on the subject.