Anger and Frustration

"Midnight Clarity"

Last modified on: 08/08/06

Little Things, Big Things

I hate it when people litter. Every time I see a beer bottle in the grass or a food wrapper on the sidewalk, I become so infuriated it's all I can think about for the next half hour. What goes through my mind is the whole problem of littering... all over the country... everyone throwing trash in the streets, throwing trash in the woods, making the whole world junky and stinky... the whole world is a big trash can, and I have to live here. All the beauty of the world is going to disappear because people don't care. [whew, pant] You can imagine that if I get that mad at a single food wrapper, I spend a lot of time ranting and irritable. The problem is that I respond to little things in the same way that I respond to big things. I treat one instance of a problem as that whole problem. I can't react to every instance of a problem as though it were the whole problem without quickly exhausting myself. Little signs of big problems are everywhere, and though it's important to put the pieces together and stop cumulative problems, I can't fight a war in every skirmish. It's not worth the energy. Better that I let it roll off my back, and say, it's one food wrapper.

Frustration at Strangers

Sometimes people make me frustrated, occasionally extremely frustrated. Interacting with many strangers each day and living in close quarters, people are bound to step on each other's toes now and then. They bump into me at the grocery store, cut in front of me on the highway, play loud, obnoxious music at the crack of dawn or honk their horns incessantly in the middle of the night, trying to get their friend to come out. Park your car and knock on the door! But sometimes I get so frustrated it's all I can do to keep from snapping.

It makes it easier to know, at least intellectually, that the frustration is not a product of the person who's angering me per se but a product of our interaction, and very often a product of the amount of sleep I've had or how hungry I am or some recent event that put me in a bad mood. People don't always mean to be rude, and I'm sure I've stepped on many toes myself, probably without realizing it. There have even been a few occasions when I did realize it, but I was too frustrated and irritable to apologize.

Anger: Good or Evil?

In an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation ("Skin of Evil"), the crew encounters a creature made up entirely of evil. The being resulted when an alien race discovered a way to remove all of the evil within themselves and discard it. The defining characteristics of the creature were hatred, callousness, and especially anger and rage. Is anger evil? It can definitely hurt people without cause, and it often leads to destruction, but is it inherently wrong? I wonder what these aliens are like without anger. Would they still be able to experience moral outrage? Would they still be driven to lash out at an enemy who tries to destroy something or someone they hold dear? Would they protect their young?

Solitude and Silence

When I'm cranky and frustrated, I tend to snap at everyone around me. The irritability, I think, stems from a sensory overload, too many people and things impinging on me, upsetting my equilibrium. One quick and easy way to melt my anger away is to find an empty room or a quiet park. I just sit quietly, not mulling over anything outside the room, just feeling how silent and still it is. I used to make fun of that Calgon commercial, quoting it when I was a kid in comparative instances, and ridiculing the lady who plops herself in a bubble bath when her kids are scrambling around the house, the doorbell is ringing, and the dog is barking, but now I see the light. My new anger-easing mantra is solitude and silence. Even if I can't find that quiet room, I can still create an imaginary bubble around myself, shut out the disturbances, and calm down.

The events of this world don't make you angry. Your 'hot thoughts create your anger. Even when a genuinely negative event occurs, it is the meaning you attach to it that determines your emotional response.
-- From "Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy," by Dr. David Burns"

Holding onto anger only gives you tense muscles.
-- Joan Lunden

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
-- Jay Leno

Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Repressed Anger

My anger has a way of getting swept under the carpet. Sometimes my anger is simply so intense, there is no outlet, or the situation doesn't allow any expression of anger. As a result, the anger slides into the background, but it does not go away. I don't really believe that an emotion can be unconscious, but I do believe that the body can cling to a certain emotion by maintaining the tension and sensitivity associated with it, and that these feelings can change the way we interpret things. I also believe that the propensity for feelings of anger can linger for a long time. Suddenly, something trivial comes along and cracks the fragile seal that holds the anger at bay. With repressed anger, I find that I enter most situations with certain ideas in my head about how things stand. Such as when I get on the road, I automatically see other drivers as obstacles in my way, and in my mind the other drivers are malicious. Or when I run an errand, I expect things to be made difficult. In other words, I carry my past anger into my present experiences, and in this way my repressed anger lives on. By being aware of this bias protruding from my unresolved anger, I can see things differently and respond to innocent situations with fresh eyes.

"Foo Foo"

When I get extremely angry, I find it helpful to shout out something really silly, like "foo, foo!" I get the same verbal relief as an expletive, but the anger is disarmed instead of fueled. It's hard to feel silly and angry at the same time.

He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.
-- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Speak when you are angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
-- Lawrence J. Peter

The worst prison would be a closed heart.
-- Pope John Paul II