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I was just about ready to run out the door and hit the farmer’s market and join the hundreds of Madisonians leaving their houses for broad daylight to browse the greenery and listen to music when I realized I was getting caught up in a manic habit. Driven by an urge for basic social contact, to feel as though I’m in the midst of others, I was rushing, still half asleep, to look nice and speed to the crowd, as though I were missing all the fun, and if I didn’t make it in time, I would be left out and… alone. Yet, in pursuing this frenzied social nexus, I was sacrificing all my tranquility.

I discovered a power outlet in my house that will run my laptop, but it won’t recharge the battery. I think the farmer’s market and gatherings of that sort are just like that. I plug in, and I can run quite well while there, but the minute I unplug, my batteries die again.

My ideal is kicking back by the lake for hours and hours, until the stars are out, drinking tea and talking about anything and everything. Instead, sometimes I only get to see my friends for a few minutes here, a few minutes there. During those moments, I plug in, but I don’t recharge. I feel as though I’m left hanging, mid-sentence, wondering when I’ll next get the chance to connect. Everyone is so busy. And of course, everyone is also so lonely.

The more lonely I become, the more frenzied I get for social contact, the less choosy, and so I fill my calendar with superficial events, social junkfood. And the more I fill my calendar, the less time I have for the deeper connections. We give up the more meaningful, genuine intimacies for bits and pieces of social candy, and as a result, we become even more hungry.

This morning, I’m staying home. It was a difficult decision, but within ten minutes, I was exceedingly satisfied with the decision to trade my mad rush to the festivities for the tranquility of solitude. Whenever my next opportunity arises to select from the social menu, it will be health food.

Hope is like the eye of a wild, ridiculously blissful artist who sees every flaw and imperfection of the world or every wrong turn in life as a beautiful, magical, quirky wonder of joy and goodness.  Like the story of how a boy with a limp becomes a passionate do-gooder beloved and bedded by every attractive woman he meets (aka, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche).  It’s the inspiration of dark clouds, the humor of repeated failure, the pungent self-amusement that soothes embarrassment, or even the cleansing ordinariness of boredom.

That energy you get on a Friday night when you’re surrounded by charming people, sexy music, and torch lights, feeling as if you’re on top of the world and everything about you is tasty and everything about your life is moving towards some soothing, ecstatic light–this is the energy of hope.  It seems to fade so fast, but you can take it with you and experience it even on the dull, solitary Saturday night when you have nowhere to go but back to bed, and everything seems to be falling apart, and you look ugly as hell, and you can’t imagine who would want you or how you’ll possibly crawl out of the hole you’re in.  You find the energy of hope itself, in that moment, the way the alluring beat of an exotic song playing in the distance gradually comes to your awareness. 

Such hope is transformative, not coloring your perceptions but translating the language of your reality into words you can understand.  And reality, as you discover, is whispering sweet nothings into your ear, saying, “I love you.  I’m here for you.  Everything will be just fine.”

Sweetly complimentary to this energy is the deep wisdom of hopelessness.  In some spiritual traditions, hopelessness is viewed as an important, useful experience on the path towards well being or enlightenment.  I imagine that people in the west interpret this eastern concept to mean “hitting rock bottom,” feeling absolutely awful and depressed, and believing that the future lacks the pleasure and beauty one would hope for.  Perhaps they think such suffering drives deeper spiritual longings, and perhaps they are right.  Yet, my hunch is that this is not what they mean in the east at all. 

Regardless, there is a form of hopelessness that does not demonstrate these qualities.  To be hopeless or without hope is, in a very basic sense, to be without a particular vision of the future.  You don’t expect the worst, or the best, or anything specific at all.  You simply allow the future to open, amorphous and flowing.  In this openness, you plant the seeds of contentment and joy belonging to your present self.  Otherwise, you plant seeds of attachment to specifics.

This hopelessness is the white canvas and hope, the brushstrokes.  The enlightened master paints from a place of tranquility, allowing a vision to be expressed through her from a place she cannot imagine. 

UPDATE: A few hours after writing this post, I was shopping in an art supply store and found a mug that said “HOPE” and “I know the plans I have for you. ~ Jeremiah 29:11“  I think that quote is a perfect illustration of my point about hopelessness and opening up to visions beyond yourself.

UPDATE: The next day, I received an email from a mailing list with the following comment: “29 = 11 in numerology [note: not my thing but it caught my eye… see quote above]. 11 is a masterbuilder number, a turnaround time.  A time of great power.”  More reason to have hope.

This morning, a friend told me that the universe seems to give him what he needs rather than giving him what he wants.  On the face of it, I agree with him.  That does seem to be the pattern for all of us.  On the other hand, suppose the universe is always giving us what we want, except (1) we aren’t always in a form in which we can receive, so the universe must first prepare us, and (2) we don’t always know what we really want (especially when our superficial wants are in conflict), and so we fail to recognize when something we truly desire falls into our laps.  

I don’t think the universe will ever stop trying though.  Love doesn’t give up.  What I’ve repeatedly found is that eventually true desires, even the physical ones, are fulfilled in every significant way, and if you’re paying attention, the fulfillment comes in an atmosphere of magic and beauty.  The cosmos doesn’t drag its feet, grudgingly hauling over your latest request.  It spirals gleefully through the air, casting sparkles in every direction, teasingly meanders all around you, letting the aroma of fulfillment drift under your nose, and finally fills you with everything you cried for, magnified times a million, saturated with tenderness and compassion, coated with a healing balm, and burning with unspeakable love. Sometimes I feel as though the cosmos is beating down my door in the attempt to flood my soul with all my heart’s desires.  Anything painful is just a prerequisite, like a training course, for being capable of seeing and experiencing all the good things. 

Imagine that for every moment, there is some time in the distant past in which you made a wish to experience everything you are experiencing right now, just like this.  Now the moment is here, and everything you wanted is here.  What if that were always true?  Imagine it as intensely as you can, as often as you can.  Slowly you start to notice the perfection in every situation, or you recognize a larger pattern in which an episode of pain is embedded.  Pain becomes prelude, and suffering becomes healing.  Loss becomes a cleansing change, and fear becomes trust. 

My friends are probably getting tired of hearing it, but these past couple of months, I’ve been happier than I’ve ever been.  Every moment, even when there’s pain, feels perfect, as if every situation embodies everything I need and want.  I can’t describe it.  I can’t communicate it adequately.  But there is a seed at the heart of it, which seems to allow the perceptions to enter and the door to open.  The seed is complete trust.  No matter what.  Trusting everything, even my own failings.  When trust takes over, fear withers, and when fear withers, love expands, and when love expands, superficial needs and longings dissolve, and when those are gone… something once hidden pours out into ordinary life and turns on the lights.  And once the lights are on…

I feel as though I’ve stepped through an interdimensional portal, and I’m standing in another universe beginning the life I dreamed of living, one full of tranquility, abundance, and love.  The transition has been wrenching, but each moment of pain is accompanied by an equally intense moment of insight and growth.  Nothing is wrong.  Nothing is awry.  I am me again.

I drove back from Tulsa after spending three weeks with my mom.  I brought the children to the house, and they stayed with their dad while I went about the business of moving.  I was worried about where I would stay when I returned to Madison, because my ex-husband’s mother arrived for a four week visit, and she was sleeping in the bed I occupied before I left.  A few days before I left Tulsa, however, I spoke to a friend on the phone (my giraffe), and he offered to let me stay in his apartment while he was out of town.  He left a peppermint on the pillow, which gave me a good laugh.  Instead of spending the following days grieving over the loss of my home, I made myself at home in my friend’s abode, relaxing and enjoying myself.  After a few nights, I needed to vacate and allow another of his friends to stay there, but another friend of mine had just left town and left me her key.  Things could not have worked out more perfectly. 

My dearest friends helped me to move my things to my new home.  They stood up for me when my ex and his mother became angry or irritable.  When I needed a hug, they were right there.  Once again, I felt very taken care of. 

So many wonderful things have happened for me.  In the span of a week, a multitude of events that had graced my dreams during the past year played out in exact detail.  In my house dream, for instance, which I had in February, I was driving to my new home when there in the street was an elderly woman angrily pointing her finger at me.  That part of the dream woke me up.  Well, that is precisely what took place.  Within seconds of entering my house and meeting my former mother-in-law, she stood up and angrily pointed her finger at me because I had mistakenly packed heirloom pots.  I left the house and cryed on the curb until my friends showed up, and after that all was well.  Only later did I remember that element of my dream.  Again and again, I recalled dream after dream as events unfolded… an absolute smorgasborg of precognition, an overwhelming comfort as I faced the unfamiliar.

Every time I trust, nothing but absolute beauty and love unfolds before me.  There is nothing to worry about.

I think I spend 90 percent of my life and my mental energy trying to find that sense of togetherness that comes from spending time with friends or being mentally present with someone you care about. Physical presence, contact, and attention are very fulfilling. I’m particularly sensitive to the feeling that I’m not on someone’s mind for a long time. When attention is cast elsewhere, I feel gone to that person. This is something I’ve written about many times, but the sensitivity is changing. My perspective is shifting very slowly and subtly, like drifting tectonic plates dramatically transforming the landscape.

Imagine a romantic beach scene in a movie. The woman is resting in the sand when her love interest approaches. He sits beside her. They have a pleasant conversation. You can imagine whatever sort of conversation makes you feel close to someone. He puts his arm around her and gives her a kiss. Togetherness. Suddenly, he sees a dolphin swimming by, jumps up, and runs along the beach to watch it. Eventually, he forgets about her. He plays in the sand, swims in the water, and continues on some distant adventure. Separation.

On the one hand, the abrupt change seems to indicate a cessation of togetherness, and depending on whether the woman continues to think about the man, this can be sad or neutral. Metaphors abound to describe the process of coming together and drifting apart, crossing paths, meeting and splitting up. On the other hand, there is a deeper togetherness that is unphased by these physical interactions.

Imagine, hypothetically, that the two people on the beach shared a common consciousness. The only quirk is that, because each perceives the world from a particular location, from a particular identity, with a certain set of memories, the common consciousness experiences the illusion of being two separate minds, each unaware of the other. Nevertheless, there is some vague, disturbing sense that something is amiss and an intense motivation to overcome this sense of separation. However, due to the illusion, the only apparent way of alleviating this separation is through direct physical interactions between the two individuals. Such interactions present tantalizing glimpses of the underlying unity, but they never fully quench the thirst, and they never can. This is not to say that the pursuit of togetherness must be abandoned. Rather, it must be supplimented. If your awareness was one and the same as the awareness permeating the mind of someone you long to be with, why worry about making the beach scene last forever? Let them chase the dolphins and have adventures, because they are you, running amok and experiencing joy in the world. They can run a thousand miles away from you, but you are still the same.

The funny thing about this thought experiment is that it doesn’t conflict with they way things are as we now perceive them. We are everyone, just with some memory loss. You could split into two people with two different brain and two different sets of experiences, but instead of recognizing your sameness, you might just call it “having children.”

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